When Your Child is Falling Apart (And You’re About to Join Them)
A simple, research-backed 6-step method to soothe your dysregulated child without coddling, collapsing, or losing your mind.
Soothing a
Dysregulated
Child
A 6-step method for the
exhale after the storm.
If you feel overwhelmed, you are not alone. This guide helps you stay present without losing your mind.
Attachment Nerd
Myth: "Comforting is Coddling"
Truth: Coddling is removing the obstacles. Comforting is emotional presence during the obstacle.
Myth: "They are Manipulating Me"
Truth: Calculated sociopathy develops much later. Your child is coping, surviving, and showing you their tender state.
The Attachment Paradox:
The more emotional support a child has early on, the easier it is for them to self-regulate later.
Relax Your Muscles
"Go Gumby"
Release the tension in your shoulders and jaw.
Your relaxed presence is a biological signal of safety.
Soften Your Face
Avoid a tense, blank, or overly positive face. A soft face says:
"I can feel your pain, and I am not overwhelmed by it."
Make Body Smaller
Get down on their level.
Standing over a distressed child activates their brain's threat response. They need to see you are not a danger.
Respond & Approach
Move gently towards them to communicate presence, not dominance.
If they pull back, respect the boundary but stay present. Don't leave, just pause.
Repeat a Phrase
Tone > Words
"I'm here."
"I've got you."
(If you sound annoyed, that is the message they will receive, not the words.)
Watch for "The Melt"
Wait for the shuddering breath.
Hold them. Let them melt. Validate it:
"That was hard. You were really sad."
Then move to the "what next" (tissue, food, etc).
Real Talk
Toddlers & Teens
Massive neural flooding. Soothing may be impossible until they sleep (reset). It's biology, not failure.
Neurodivergence
Touch or talk might be too much. Adapt: sit just outside the door. "I'm here when you're ready."
Sensitive Kids
They feel things deeper. You are building their future regulation skills. It takes time.
"Secure relationships aren't built by never breaking. They are built by repair."
Attachment Nerd
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