The Secure Parent Conflict Code: 6 Principles for Staying Connected When Everything Feels Tense
Conflict with our kids is tender, loaded, and often triggering. These six principles help you move from power struggles to connection — even when everyone’s crusty and musty.
The Conflict
Code of Conduct
6 principles to stay
connected through the storm.
Conflict is tender and complicated. Here is how to keep your head when things get messy.
Attachment Nerd
Conflict is Normal
"Is this relationship failing?"
No. You are just rubbing up against unacknowledged needs.
The Goal:
Secure relationships aren't built by never fighting. They are built by safe repair.
Initiate Repair First
Be the Bridge
It's not about saying "I was wrong, you were right."
It's about saying:
"I'm sorry we're fighting. Let's figure this out."
You lead the way back to connection.
Calm Your Body
Your regulation is your responsibility.
If you believe "You are making me mad," you hand over your power.
"I need a moment to settle so I can hear you."
No Shame or Blame
The "Cousins of Disconnection"
If I am bad (shame) or you are bad (blame), there is no escape route.
Focus on the obstacle, not the character flaw.
Model Safety
Curb the urge to threaten or dominate.
Desperateness leads to violence (verbal or physical).
If you feel desperate, pause.
Do not teach them that power = control.
Reassure
"We will get through this."
Conflict can feel like the end of the world to a child (and to your inner child).
Say it out loud to soothe both of you.
The Dignified Why
Assess the underlying need.
Are they hungry? Overstimulated? Hormonal?
Find a dignified reason for their struggle.
"When a relationship is safe enough to have conflict... that relationship actually becomes deeper."
You aren't failing. You are building.
Attachment Nerd
Feeling Overwhelmed?
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